Author: Barbara O'Neil
Not only did I stay afloat through this book, I practically became a fish!...or at least a whale, only coming up for air occasionally, I was that engrossed in this story!!!! There is so much that I want to say and write about that I don't know where to start or how I will get it all out without my hands falling off...But here is goes=D Might as well start with the obvious!
The title quote for this blog pretty much sums up my as yet unanswered question through college and my ongoing career search. It just stared out at me from the page and made my eyes unfocus and realign with the personal importance that one little sentence had for me. I'm now going to reveal a little about myself that of course Leah knows, but is important to the flow and understandability of this thought train. Hopefully there aren't any weird stalkerish people looking at this! I grew up in the country on a little farm. Outside with the trees and grass, and bright sunlight is where I felt most at ease, most happy. I would walk from our house, through the fields and back to our small woods whenever my emotions threatened to overwhelm me or I was terribly upset at the lack of control I had over my world. It would always start out the same: eyes brimming, mind working furiously over whatever incident had sent me as far away from people as I could get, head down and stomping. And as always, my head would slowly come up the farther I walked and my eyes would focus not on my inner turmoil but on the wide open sky above me. Sunny or stormy it didn't matter. I would just look at the sky and imagine all the anguish, unhappiness, anger, embarrassment, and vulnerability just floating away into all that space. By the time I would reach the woods, I could just sit on a tree stump or fallen log and be at peace. Outside is my sanctuary. From this single part of my personality came the desire to have a job that placed me outside as much as possible or at least within view of the sky. Combine this with my need to care and nurture for animate objects and holy hell!..I want to be a horticulturist!!! So I go to college for 5 years and job search till my eyes hurt and am still looking for the answer as to whether I can have a job growing flowers or not. Location is somewhat critical in my field (tehe-field;P). Anyway, the point is that Katie's wonder and intense emotional delight pertaining to flowers and growing plants is something that we share. It made a somewhat startling connection for me. How she could breathe at last the moment she stepped into a greenhouse...which in reality is startling difficult at times due to the high humidity, kinda like breathing water or a cloud...was so acutely similar to how I feel that it just surprised me, is all.
Now, on to the two main realizations that I got from this book. They felt pretty big to me so hopefully I will be able to convey that in my writing. It was a little like the universe of my mind shifting.
First, a little background on another very personal situation in my life. (Geez, this feels so revealing.) My closest cousin, who is more like a sister, had a beautiful baby girl her first year of college. It was completely unplanned and I'm sure totally altered the way she envisioned her life unfolding. It was a tough time in the lives of number of family members, including myself. But that was over two years ago, and my cousin is so happy and smitten with her little girl. That is not to say that she doesn't have things she would like to make better in her life, or that my "niece" is a demure little angel instead of the independent spirited handful she actually is;P But my cousin is still happy, which I am so incredibly thankful for but have also never truly understood to be honest. I'm not a parent nor have any true desire to be one. I'm aunt material. So I can't even begin to know what it feels like to have a child. Also, I'm a planner. My life has been a series of laid out plans that have for the most part worked out like they should. There have been surprises in my life (such as my wonderful husband) but nothing that has completely altered my path. To continue being honest, I have a feeling that if something had popped up I would deeply resent it, unfortunately. Now to the book part. Reading about Ramona's struggle with being pregnant at 15 and watching how her feelings developed and changed and resulted in a deep, unselfish, overflowing well of love for her beautiful daughter was like a light going on in by brain. I still don't want to have kids, but I understand so much better how my cousin could have accepted her new life and be able to watch her little girl with a delighted wonder that she rarely ever shows. That delighted wonder always confused me before, but after reading Barbara O'Neil's exquisitely worded description of Ramona's emotional realizations and feelings towards her daughter, I now watch my cousin with her daughter only in awe of the power such a love can have.
The other realization that this book elicited from my mental depths involves something that I struggle with on a constant basis and is probably a direct result of reading so many books that have happy endings. That realization is that there aren't always happy endings. Things don't always work out. Not everything can be fixed. I am a firm believer that God has an infinite amount of power, but we have the choice to let him use that power in our lives or to shut him out and deal with everything alone. As a consequence of shutting him out, we open ourselves to the possibility of bleak despair and unhappy endings. (Sorry, Leah, I know the God stuff isn't really your thing, but I had to just slip it in) I grew up in a family that loved me, and with the knowledge that whatever I wanted was possible as long as I had the confidence and courage to go get it. Not everyone has that, though. Ramona is kind of in the same boat as she deals with Katie and reveals the hard truths about her mother, grandmother, and interacts with her various family members. Katie has had a terrible experience living with her mother, and while she is flourishing within Ramona's family, it just isn't possible to fix the damage that was done. She will learn to deal with it and become a successful, happy person, but she will always have scars, just like Lily. In a perfect world, all of Ramona's patience and good-hearted attempts to reconcile with her various family members, specifically her sister, would have ended in happy reconciliations. But that just isn't the way it always works. People have the choice to hurt or heal, be hurt or be healed, and sadly not everyone chooses live in harmony with others. Oscar was confronted with that choice and chose to heal and be healed. Stephanie was also confronted by Ramona and she chose to remain hurt and hurtful. The same with Katie and Katie's mom. One chose happiness and the other chose hurtfulness. That has always been almost impossible for me to realize and accept. The more I know of people as I venture out of my safe little cocoon of happily ever after stories, the more I learn that I can't just say the right thing or do the right thing to fix the wounds of people I care about. Its sad and depressing and makes me want to hide, but just like Ramona, I have to try and accept that that is the best I can do. I just hope that somehow I am able to show the people around me that my most fervent wish is for their happiness throughout life. That probably sounds dumb, but it was as close as I could get to what I wanted to write.
So, yeah, I liked this book=D I have already recommended it to anyone who would stand still long enough for me to get out how amazing it is. Leah, you can pick something out anytime!!! And maybe all of this stuff was already there right below the surface of my consciousness, just waiting for me to let it out. But I can be amazingly stubborn and oblivious sometimes so... Thank you, Barbara O'Neil for helping me get passed myself!
I can't wait to see what is next for Leah and I and anyone else who is actually following us along=D
